Finding Their Way Back
by OfficeFanNicole
Summary: This is a RyanKelly fic set in the present day. It's my first fic, so please be kind!
1. Chapter 1

Ryan slammed the off button on his alarm and padded his way to the bathroom

This is my very first fic ever, so it's not the best thing ever written. In fact, it could be pretty bad! Anyway, please read and review. Let me know if it sucks! 

I don't own the Office or any of the characters.

Ryan slammed the off button on his alarm and padded his way to the bathroom. As he scrubbed his hands over his face, he started to wonder, as he often did these days, how he got here. When he first got the job in New York, he had images of all the shiny new things he would have. He imagined a ritzy apartment in the best part of town, the newest and hippest devices, and how he would be the envy of all the stodgy old men that currently ran Dunder Mifflin. Now 6 months later, the reality has set in and it's not nearly as pretty as all those fantasies. Despite his nice salary at corporate, Ryan quickly discovered that his salary in New York doesn't go near as far as it would in Scranton. He couldn't afford a place in Manhattan, so he commutes to work not in the sports car he imagined, but the same old blue vehicle Michael admired so much. Ryan was also surprised at his co-worker's reactions to him. He came to New York full of fresh, fun ideas to help the struggling company get back on top. He quickly discovered that new ideas weren't as well received as he had hoped, and many seemed to dislike his general attitude. It was a humbling experience...not that he would let it show. He still puffed up his chest and walked around with his, "I have an MBA...love me..." attitude, but his heart wasn't in it. He always thought he hated Scranton and his co-workers. But he had to give them one thing...they cared. Ryan really only had two compadres in New York and it was more a 9-5 relationship with both. But in Scranton, despite their crazy (and sometimes creepy) ways of showing it, his co-workers treated him as a friend. Ryan was convinced when he first moved to New York that he was glad to be rid of Kelly. And he was...for a while. There were no more colorful pillows suddenly showing up on his couch. His cell phone wasn't ringing non-stop. He could go home to relative silence and know it wouldn't be interrupted. He could even play with his brand-new X-Box without whining or interruption. But sometimes, he would hear something and be thrown right back to her. An Avril Lavigne song. A magazine cover with celebrity babies. A high pitched laugh or a frilly pink drink at the end of the bar. At first it would feel like he was suffocating. Now it just left him with an ache low in his stomach that he couldn't describe. He tried to ignore it, but as his loneliness grew, he started to realize: he missed Kelly, and he wanted her back.

I know this is pretty descriptive and all Ryan, but Kelly will come in with her thoughts in the next chapter. We'll also see some dialogue and other characters in the next few chapters.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to all of those who reviewed

Thank you to all of those who reviewed. I have made it (hopefully) easier to read this time around. In the next chapter, there will be dialogue, rather than the inner monologues the first two have had. I hope you enjoy it!

It didn't come to him all at once. It came slowly, over time. He dreaded his first trip back to Scranton, and not surprisingly, it was painful. It got easier as time went on, and it almost seemed normal. Then something odd happened. Kelly and Darryl. Darryl and Kelly.

As he stood in the front of the room and realized that they were together, he felt his heart flop down to his feet. He was surprised by this reaction. He should be relieved. Finally! She would move on and he wouldn't have to feel guilty about hurting her anymore. He knew she was just probably trying to make him jealous. But with each visit he would see them together and realize she was truly moving on. The only thing he could think was, "A warehouse worker? She moved from me to a warehouse worker?"

He knew that wasn't right, but he consoled himself with the fact that she had traded down. Anyone he dated would be a huge step up. Not that he was really dating much. He had been in a relationship for so long with someone who worshipped him, and he was finding it hard to date more "normal" girls. He had tried hard in the first few months to flirt and ask girls out, but lately he hadn't bothered. He went to work, came home, and spent the evening alone. Not exactly the life he wanted. It was better now that he was admitting his feelings to himself.

He was in love with her. Wow. He was in love with her. But despite that knowledge, he knew he shouldn't try to win her back. He was scared that he spent so much time trying to get away from her, now that he succeeded, he shouldn't try to tempt fate. But still...when pulled up into the parking lot in Scranton and saw her chatting with Darryl in the parking lot, smiling at him the way she used to smile at Ryan, he felt that familiar twinge in his chest and knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

She didn't care about Ryan. She really didn't. He dumped her in the cruelest way. She knew he wasn't as invested in their relationship as she was, but she loved him.

She tried desperately to hang on to the relationship as she felt it start to slowly slip away. She always thought that she could fill all the empty spaces in their relationship Ryan should be filling. She thought if she loved him enough for the both of them, he wouldn't leave. Maybe he would realize in time that they were meant to be together. But instead, he crushed her with five words when he found out about his promotion.

She spent the summer doing nothing but crying and eating. She couldn't believe he could walk away after so much time. He didn't even seem sad. She spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity, and even though it wasn't the most mature thing to do, destroying everything that reminded her of him. She burned the pictures of the two of them together, she donated the stuffed animals he have her to Goodwill, she shoved the DVDs she made him watch with her in the back of a closet. She thought if she erased anything he had touched from sight she would get rid of the memories. Instead it just made her place seem empty and sad.

She knew he would come to Scranton eventually. She thought she could prepare herself for it, but when he walked in that door she felt like she had been suckerpunched in the gut, and all the pain she had been denying she had came rushing back. She stupidly blurted out a fake pregnancy plea, but she didn't let it go too far. She didn't want to be that person anymore, damn it! The pathetic woman stuck living her life as a teenager. She couldn't believe she had said it, and as horribly embarassing as it was, admitted it to him at dinner that night.

But despite all that, it started to get easier. Her heartbeat didn't race as quickly anymore as it once did when he walked in the door. It was almost tolerable now, and she was feeling better. Despite all this, she wasn't expecting to move on for a while, but then something strange happened. Darryl asked her out. She was so shocked at first she didn't know what to do. But then she thought, "to hell with it. I've got to start my life again somehow. Maybe this is how I should do it." So she moved forward.

Initially, she thought, "How perfect. This is sure to make Ryan jealous!" Spending time with Darryl, however, had showed her he wasn't going to play her little games. Unlike Ryan, Darryl didn't mince words. He told her what he thought and helped her to stay calm. Over time, it became less a game of trying to make Ryan jealous, and more of the mature adult relationship she always craved.

She was happy; she really was. But sometimes when she was getting ready for bed, or she heard one of those emo-rock bands he liked to listen to, or she saw a man with the same coat from behind, she would be thrown right back to when they were together. The pain would hit her and she would forget how far she had come. Even though she still missed him at times, she knew she would never be that person again; she couldn't be.


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan took a deep breath and opened the door to the office

Ryan took a deep breath and opened the door to the office. Not surprisingly, Jim was leaning against the desk at reception, chatting with Pam. Pam's eyes flicked over to where Ryan stood, causing Jim to turn around. He grabbed a jelly bean, said, "Hey Ryan," and went back to his own desk. Ryan couldn't help but roll his eyes. Jim and Pam were way too cutesy for his taste. Did they always have to act so... happy? He knew he shouldn't be annoyed with Pam and Jim for finally getting together, but whenever he saw them smiling at each other, inside jokes shining in their eyes, it only reminded him how alone he was.

All Ryan wanted to do was get in, do his work, and get out. Unfortunately, this never happened when he visited Scranton. He was always filled with a sense of dread when he knew he had to work with Michael. Watching him animatedly telling a joke to a frowning Stanley, it was no different.

Just as he was about to walk over and pull Michael away from sputtering and explaining how he didn't MEAN for the joke to be racist, Creed walked up to him. "What can I get for you, kid?"

Kelly was in a foul mood. Some customers just wouldn't listen to reason! She always tried to remain chipper, but some customers tried her patience so much she had to fight not to lose her temper. After that last 20-minute conversation (or rather, 20 minutes of being yelled at), Kelly was finally off the phone and ready for a break. She wasn't paying attention as she walked in the break room...she was busy retying the bow at the bottom of her sweater. All of a sudden, she slammed into another person. "Sorry!" She said immediately. When she looked up, she saw Ryan, with something indefinable in his eyes. "That's okay," he said softly.

Kelly couldn't help but feel a little foolish. It had been such a busy morning she completely forgot Ryan was coming today. Usually she tried to prepare as much as possible. It was difficult to seem aloof and uncaring so he wouldn't think she was desperate. She always seemed to do the most work when he was there, just so she could avoid him. She tried to seem like the model employee when they had meetings in the conference room, but she couldn't be too engaged, just in case he thought she was still pining for him. She'd always rush out at lunchtime and avoid any place she thought he might eat. By the end of the days Ryan came to the office she was exhausted. It was hard putting on a show each time he was there.

The last thing she wanted was for him to think she was the same pathetic woman she had been when they were together. She tried to talk to him as little as possible, and she was NEVER alone with him in a room. That's why she felt so panicked now...she had let her guard down for just a moment, and the moment she had been alternately dreading and hoping for was there. She and Ryan were alone in the break room, and she had no idea what to say.

After a few moments of staring at one another, Kelly blurted out loudly, "I have to go!" She turned around quickly on her heel to leave when Ryan said, "Kelly, wait." She turned to Ryan slowly and looked at him questioningly. She was having a hard time breathing, let alone talk to hi. "Ummm..." Ryan started nervously, "How are you? We haven't really...talked lately." "No, we haven't," Kelly said sadly. "I'm fine Ryan, but I really need to get back to work." With that, she quickly scurried out of the break room to the safety of her desk. She didn't realize her eyes were filled with tears until she looked at her blurry computer screen. She didn't know why she was so upset. Maybe because he was looking at her the way he used to when they were alone in her apartment. The way he would NEVER look at her in front of other people. Whenever her looked at her like that, she always thought that maybe there WAS some hope...that maybe he did care for her. But when morning came, his usual look of indifference was back, and she was in pain once again. She didn't WANT to see that look anymore, and seeing him look so...regretful was almost too much to bear.

"Ryan made his decision," she thought to herself quietly. He didn't want her. He had made that more than clear. All she had to do was remember that each time he walked into the room and broke her heart all over again. She didn't deserve the pain he had brought her, and she knew that, but it was hard to keep up her steely resolve when he was standing right in front of her.

Ryan felt like an idiot. Of all the things he could have said to her, he said THAT? He ran his hands nervously through his hair and debated following her back to her desk. He had barely touched her...he just bumped into her as he was texting on his Blackberry. But he still felt a jolt of awareness when his body came into contact with hers. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he couldn't. She looked so sad every time he was around, and it was even worse seeing it face-to-face. It killed him to know that he was the cause of that sadness.

Ryan wasn't a brave man. He never had been. Maybe if he was things would be different. But he had never let himself not go after what he really wanted. He had fought to make his way through business school, he had fought to get the job at corporate. Really, he had fought for everything he had now. He knew now it was time to fight for Kelly. He just hoped this would make him happier than the other things he had fought for had. He told himself the same thing he always did when it was time to go for something. "You'll never know until you try." 


	4. Chapter 4

Kelly had barely turned on her computer Monday morning when she heard the familiar ding of the inter-office messaging system

Kelly had barely turned on her computer Monday morning when she heard the familiar ding of the inter-office messaging system. She assumed it was Pam sending her a joke she thought was funny, or a picture she found on the internet. Pam liked to do things like that...find ways to perk her up in the morning (Kelly was sooo not a morning person). She was surprised to see it wasn't Pam who had messaged her, but Ryan.

RHoward says: Hey Kell.

Oh, my God. Ryan was sending her an IM? _Ryan_? Ryan didn't even send her IMs when they were working together. He always told her that it was unprofessional when she sent him love messages or sappy YouTube videos. She debated ignoring the message like he used to, but she was way too curious to see what he wanted. After a few minutes of internal struggle, Kelly quickly typed him a message.

KKapoor says: Hello Ryan. Can I help you with something?

Ryan winced at the professional tone of the message. She wasn't going to make this easy for him. It took him a couple tries to get the message worded the way he wanted it. He started out with, "I was hoping," then deleted it. Didn't want to seem desperate. Then he tried, "I was wondering," but that sounded too indecisive. "I'd love it if..." was next, but he knew that was wrong before he had even finished typing it. He finally decided on:

RHoward says: I'd appreciate it if you'd meet me for dinner Friday night.

Kelly was floored. It had like pulling fingernails to get Ryan to go out with her when they were together. He _never_ initiated plans. But now...now he wanted to meet for dinner? Maybe he had an STD and he had to tell her to get tested. Maybe he was dying and wanted to apologize. Maybe he wanted the stuff back he'd left in her apartment. She tried to think of any other reason that didn't make him seem like a total jerk, but none were coming to her at the time. She typed the next message before she could get control of her fingers.

KKapoor says: OK.

Ok? OK? She had meant to tell him she'd think about it. The last thing she wanted was to seem eager, which she wasn't. She was nervous and upset and maybe a little nauseous. She wanted time to mull it over, to figure out how to respond in a distant way. Kelly knew she didn't want to play her little games anymore, but it was hard to just be herself after spending so much time putting on a show.

Plus, she was still kind of seeing Darryl. She liked him...she didn't want to hurt his feelings. But before she could change her mind, Ryan had signed off. Damn. This wasn't good.

Ryan on the other hand, was excited. He had spent the entire weekend trying to figure out what he should do. He knew Kelly wanted to be wined and dined. After the 30th time of watching "The Notebook," Ryan had picked up on that! The problem was, he didn't really know how to do it. So he brainstormed, watched a couple of romantic comedies, and finally googled it.

Apparently, he was supposed to pick her up and give her flowers. He was supposed to open all doors for her, and pull her chair out when they ate. They should go somewhere with candles and no dollar menu. He knew all this, but he couldn't figure out how to do it without getting embarrassed. In the end, he figured that he could handle some embarrassment if it made Kelly happy. He wished he could have done this before. He knew, though, that he needed all the work it took for him to get to where he was now. Maybe it was all a blessing in disguise.

* * *

Kelly was a wreck the entire week. She was a bundle of nerves, and not in the good way. She was so anxious to know what Ryan wanted. It was all she could do to keep from calling him. It had been awhile since she forced herself to put the phone down and resist calling Ryan. In the end, she decided not to tell Darryl. After all, she was sure this wasn't a date...at least she didn't think it was. Besides, it would just cause a fight and what Darryl didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

It didn't make her happy to have to deal with all this again. They spoke briefly a couple of days before to finalize plans. Ryan was taking her to a fancy restaurant she had always dreamed he would go to with her.

'Surprised' didn't even begin to describe how she felt about this. She left work early Friday just to get ready...and it was no easy feat. Finding the perfect outfit, hairstyle and make-up was difficult. She wanted to look good so he would regret dumping her, but she didn't want it to be obvious. After 3 hours, 14 outfits, and 7 hairstyles she was ready. She was worried it was all a joke and he would stand her up. She had to convince herself not to change into her sweats quite yet.

Ten minutes before Ryan was supposed to arrive, the doorbell rang. Kelly couldn't believe Ryan was _early_. It was usually a miracle if he was _on time_. She swung open the door, and there stood Ryan holding a bouquet of daisies. Her favorite. She just stood there and stared at him before he thrust the flowers toward her, saying, "Here!" and running his hands through his hair. It made her feel a little better to see he was so nervous. It didn't get better as the night went on. They collided with one another when Ryan tried to open the car door for her, then they both stood there unsure of what to do. Then they both went for the door again. Eventually Kelly grabbed the handle and got into the car quickly, noting the color that flooded Ryan's neck and face.

After another uncomfortable situation when Ryan tried to pull her chair out for her, they finally sat down. They'd ordered and now sat across from one another in silence. Ryan cleared his throat and attempted to jump start the conversation. Badly.

"So..." he said. Kelly took a sip of her water and looked at him with a challenge in her eyes. "How are you?"

"Why did you bring me here Ryan?" After the stress of the last few days, Kelly didn't want to play coy. Ryan stammered at her unexpected bluntness and attempted to answer.

"I thought it would be nice to go out for dinner." She seemed annoyed, and he knew that this night was going to be a long one.

"Really? Considering the fact that you haven't said more than two words to me in the last few months, I have a hard time believing there's no ulterior motive."

"Kelly..." he sighed. "No!" she said. "Ryan, what did you think was going to happen tonight? What, you're lonely, and you thought I'd fall into bed with you if you flirted a little bit?"

"What?! No! I-" Kelly didn't wait for him to finish. "Bull. You've never done anything nice for me unless you thought you could get something out of it." Kelly didn't want to get so upset, but this had been building up for months.

"I loved you so much, and you couldn't even bother to pretend like you cared half as much," she was getting choked up now, but she couldn't stop.

"I did everything for you, and how did you repay me? What was I getting out of that relationship, other than pain? Nothing! That's the answer. And the way I see it, Ryan, you did me a favor. Who knows how long I would have been trapped in a miserable relationship with you before I got a backbone and left.

"Now, I don't want to have to ask you again. Why did you bring me here?"

Ryan wasn't used to the fury on Kelly's face. He was used to her getting mad and throwing fits, yes, but he had never seen her this angry and hurt before. Even when he forgot her birthday. He didn't know how to make her feel better. He didn't know how to make it right.

"I wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I hate the way I treated you...I guess I just--no, I don't want to make excuses. I'm sorry Kelly. I'll feel guilty forever for what I did. But I can't change it. And if I could go back in time and do just that, I'm not sure I would. Because you're different now, Kell. And so am I. I think it's a good different, too. We've grown up over these last few months, and maybe we fit together better this way. I don't know. But I do know that I want to make it up to you. I'm not sure how to do it yet, but maybe if you work with me I can figure it out."

There were so many other things he wished he could say. He wished he could tell her that he loved her, that he wanted to be with her, but he was still so damn scared. He hated that he couldn't tell her everything he wanted to tell her, but he was hoping baby steps would be enough for her.

"I'm glad you finally realized how awful you were. I appreciate your apology, I do, but I'm not going to be that person for you anymore, Ryan. I'm not going to hold your hand and help you through it all. I owe it to myself to not be in a toxic relationship.

"Because you're right, Ryan. I've changed. I'm not going to be your own personal cheerleader anymore. I'm going to be independent and my own woman. As much as it's going to hurt and as hard as it's going to be to do that, I'm going to.

"I hate you because...no matter how many times you made it painfully obvious that you didn't want to be with me and I told myself I was done, I still came back to the same place. Loving you despite it all. I still do, even though I shouldn't.

"So, please, if you're really sorry about the way you treated me before, leave me alone. If you really want to make it up to me, let me live my life and get over you. That's the life I have now, Ryan...and it's the one I want."

Kelly was exhausted after her speech. She was used to long talking jags, sure, but she was pretty sure she had never revealed so much about herself at one time ever before.

Ryan wanted to tell her that he wasn't going to let her give up on them like he had before. That he would do enough caring for the both of them this time around. But he couldn't. He still had a lot of growing up to do. As much as it hurt to see her get up and walk out of the restaurant before the food even came, he let her go.

He felt stupid for thinking one dinner could change anything. If he was being completely honest with himself, he would admit that he had thought she would fall back into his arms. Fortunately, Kelly had finally realized her worth and wasn't about to let him back in without any questioning.

He was going to switch places with her, then. She had spent all those months staying with him, ignoring his neglectful actions and rude comments, and he was going to do the same for her. Because he loved her. And he wasn't going to let her go twice.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you everyone for all the kind reviews! I hope to have the next chapter up in a couple of days.

* * *

Kelly woke up the next morning feeling like an idiot

Kelly woke up the next morning feeling like an idiot. Thinking about her outburst the night before sent a flush of color up her neck and into her face.She never should have agreed to go out to dinner with Ryan. She had been doing so well in getting over him, and now she was more confused than ever. She had imagined Ryan apologizing to her a thousand times. In her dreams she had always flung herself into his arms and they lived happily ever after. It was an odd feeling to not have it happen that way...she thought for so long that was what she wanted, but now she had no idea _what_ she wanted.

Not for the first time, Kelly said to herself, "Man, Kelly. You picked a hell of a time to grow a backbone."

* * *

At around 9:00, Ryan finally got out of bed. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, going over the events at the restaurant in his head again and again. It had taken all the willpower he had to not folllow Kelly out the door and try and convince her she was making a mistake. He had almost turned around a thousand times on the drive back to New York to go to her apartment. Somehow he knew that would only make things worse. The business side of him had taken over now, and he was trying to develop a plan of action.

He didn't want to wear Kelly down. He wanted her to _want _to come back to him, and he knew that was going to take a lot of work. This time around, both of them would be equally invested in the relationship.

Ryan wasn't sure how to proceed, so he spent hours searching the internet on how to win her back. He couldn't believe all the tips he found! He decided to make his own game plan in winning her back.

Step One: Admit I was wrong.

That was an easy one. He had long since accepted that he was solely responsible for how their relationship had ended. After finally looking at her and realizing just how deeply he had hurt her, he knew now more than ever how much he had truly screwed up.

He'd admitted he was wrong to her as well, so he was relieved he was done with the first step.

Step Two: Remember everything I did the last time... and do the opposite.  
Ryan knew he had to change his behavior, or his apology would mean nothing to Kelly. He figured he was going in the right direction with the romantic dinner. Well...it wasn't so much romantic as a total disaster, but it was his first try. He was bound to get better at it. Wasn't he?

* * *

Kelly hadn't stayed in for an entire weekend since she was a kid, she was positive. Except for that time she was totally sick with the flu, but even then she'd talked on the phone for hours with anyone that answered to relieve her boredom. This weekend, though, she had stayed in and done everything she could to recover from Friday night's incident. Her apartment was cleaner than it had ever been, all her romantic comedies were in alphabetical order and her ice cream was gone. She had never wanted to call into work more than she did that morning, but she wasn't going to take any steps backward. So she walked into the office that morning with her head held high and exuded a confidence she didn't have. She was so focused on appearing cool and in charge, she didn't notice Darryl running behind her to catch up.

"Hey girl!" He said and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, after looking around and making sure none of the guys were looking.

Darryl! She had completely forgotten about him! Well, not that he existed. That would be totally stupid. But she hadn't thought about Darryl the entire weekend. Kelly immediately felt guilty. Just like when they first started dating, her thoughts were completely focused on Ryan. She knew Darryl didn't deserve that.

She didn't want to hurt him, but Kelly knew she couldn't stay in a relationship with Darryl when she was still in love with Ryan. That realization hit her square in the stomach. Despite all her thoughts about Ryan this weekend, she hadn't admitted this little nugget to herself until just now. Wow...her timing was great.

Kelly had never broken up with anyone before. She wasn't sure what to do, but she knew she would have to do it sooner or later.

Darryl must have noticed the look on her face, because he immediately became concerned.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked, looking worried.

"I'm fine," she said and gave him a wobbly smile. She didn't have the guts to do this right now. Kelly knew she had to approach this in the right way, and there was only one person she could go to for advice.

* * *

Ryan made sure Kelly's desk would be covered with bouquets of pink daisies before she got to work. It cost more for early morning delivery, but it was worth it. He hoped she'd see all that pink and be even a little happy. In addition to the flowers, Ryan had made an iTunes playlist filled with romantic songs he thought she'd like and e-mailed it to her. He compiled as many "I'm sorry" eCards as he could and planned to send her one a day for as long as it took for her to forgive him.

The one he sent today had a picture of a sad kitten on the front, while, "I'm sorry...sooooo sorry," played in the background. He debated what to write in his head before he decided to just sign it "Ryan."

Ryan found all this wooing to be slightly exhilirating. He thought he'd be embarassed by it, but the more he did, the more excited he got. The thought of the excited look on her face was enough to keep him going.

He waited all morning for an IM, a text, a call...anything. He was disappointed when Kelly didn't respond to his gesture at all.

"Oh, well," he thought, "There's always tomorrow."

* * *

Kelly didn't have much of an opportunity to enjoy the pink daisies that covered her desk. The minute Toby walked into the room, he started sneezing and his eyes became red and filled with tears.

His sad eyes seemed even sadder when he walked into her cubicle and asked her, "Kelly...what kind of flowers are those?"

"Daisies," she answered. "They're my favorite," she said quietly.

"Oh," he said. "I thought so. I'm allergic."

Kelly felt irritation start to take over. Did Toby _always_ talk as slow as a turtle? Maybe she hadn't noticed before, but it was really annoying.

Still, she didn't want him to keel over (though she was sure Michael wouldn't turn her in), so she regretfully had Oscar help her carry the flowers down to her car. After the offending flowers had been banished to the parking lot, she nervously approached Pam.

"Hey, Kelly." Pam said with a weary smile.

"Hey, Pam. I was just wondering if you'd, um, want to have lunch with me today. I have something I kind of need to talk to you about."

Kelly could see the look of dread on Pam's face. It was the look she always got when she wanted to talk about Suri or Shiloh.

"I just...I was wondering if you could give me some advice. But if you don't want to, I totally understand."

Pam looked equal parts curious and sympathetic, and agreed to meet with Kelly for lunch. Pam was so nice about it, Kelly regretted all the smack talk she'd spouted during the ping pong game.

The hours before lunch seemed to drag on and on. Finally, though, it was time to head out. She and Pam went to a local pizza place to chat.

They spent a few minutes eating quietly and looking at one another nervously. Finally Kelly took a deep breath and started.

"Well, I asked you to lunch today because I need some advice."

"That's what you said this morning," Pam said patiently.

"The thing is...um...I'm thinking about breaking up with Darryl, and I was hoping you could tell me how to do it."

Pam looked shocked. "You want to break up with Darryl? W...why?"

Kelly couldn't blame Pam for being so confused. She was sure everyone saw her as the girl that stayed in a relationship, no matter how bad, until the guy took off. Kelly couldn't blame them, either. That's who she used to be. She hoped this change was a sign of better things to come in her quest to improve herself.

"I just...I think I got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons. I like Darryl, but I don't really see us going anywhere. I don't think we're compatible, you know?"

"Wow, Kelly. I...think it's good that you've thought about this. But why are you asking me about this?"

"Because you totally broke Roy's heart into a million pieces," she said. Kelly immediately regretted phrasing it the way she had. "I mean, you guys were engaged. It must have been really hard to break up with him. How did you get the courage to do it?"

"It _was_ hard," Pam admitted. "But you have to think about what's best for you. I know what it's like to stay in a relationship because you're afraid to leave," Pam said wistfully. "But you can't let your fear of hurting the other person or the fear of being alone scare you. I almost made a huge mistake, and I haven't regretted making that decision once. If you're sure that Darryl's not the one for you, if it's not going to make you happy, then you have to do what you have to do. In the end, it's going to be the best thing for the both of you."

Kelly appreciated how much Pam seemed to understand. She had described exactly why Kelly had never left Ryan, and reinforced Kelly's belief that she needed to say goodbye to Darryl.

"How do I do it?" She asked Pam bluntly.

"Just...tell him what you told me. Tell him that you enjoyed your time with him and that you care about him, but you don't think you should see each other anymore. Don't say anything cliched, but don't play any games. Tell him exactly what you feel and don't back down."

Kelly thought over Pam's advice and immediately began thinking about what she was going to say to Darryl. Lost in her own thoughts, she was surprised when her lunch hour was over. As she and Pam gathered their things to walk back to the office, Kelly stopped.

"Thank you, Pam," Kelly said genuinely. "You really helped."

"I'm glad to hear it," Pam said. Kelly could tell Pam was debating whether or not to say something. Her curiousity must have won out, because she opened her mouth to talk.

"Kelly...does any of this have anything to do with Ryan?"

"Why do you ask that?" Kelly asked a little too quickly.

"I saw the flowers he sent this morning. Is something going on between the two of you?"

"I don't know," Kelly answered honestly. "I don't even know if I _want_ there to be something going on with us. I don't even want to think about it until I've talked to Darryl."

"Ok," Pam said simply. She wasn't going to judge...she was the last person in the world who should do that.

Her talk with Pam had made her feel much better, but Kelly was still nervous about talking to him that evening. As big of a relief as it would be to get it over with, Kelly knew once it was over she would have to sit down and think about what to do about Ryan.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind, Kelly picked up the phone and dialed Darryl's extension.  
"Hey," she said. "We need to talk. Can we meet after work?"


	6. Chapter 6

The week seemed to drag on endlessly for Ryan

The week seemed to drag on endlessly for Ryan. He sent an eCard every day, found all the best Luke and Lorelai YouTube videos and sent them, and even found love poems online and e-mailed them to her. He had even taken to sending her gifts through the mail…teddy bears, chocolates, anything she liked. Despite all his hard work, Kelly hadn't replied to any of it. Ryan had never so obsessively checked his e-mail, looked at his phone for any sign of a missed call or text or wanted to drive to Scranton so badly in his life.

He knew Kelly was mad, but he was trying here! He thought she might at least give him some sign of what she was thinking! He wished more than anything that he could see her face…she could never hide anything in those brown eyes of hers. He could always tell what she was thinking and how she was feeling just by gazing at her face. If he had the guts to actually show up at her place he may know already. But he was scared of what he might see.

He had spent so much time occupying himself with winning her back, he hadn't let himself stop to think that maybe it wouldn't work. That maybe she really didn't want him back. The idea was so painful he tried to push it out of his mind. He knew that showing up unannounced wouldn't be received very well, but he was desperate to talk to her. He resigned himself to the fact that he would have to wait until after the weekend to see her. Come Monday morning, he was making a completely unnecessary trip to Scranton (not that she needed to know that).

* * *

Kelly sighed as she walked to her car that Friday and saw the glare coming from across the parking lot, courtesy of Darryl. The break-up had gone far worse than she had expected. She was so used to indifference in a relationship she didn't realize how angry Darryl would be.

She had taken Pam's advice and told Darryl how much she cared about him and truly enjoyed spending time with him but that she didn't think they would work out. She had been surprised at how upset he became. He started ranting and raving about how if this was one of her games, she needed to stop. She had calmly told him that this wasn't a game, but that she thought they weren't compatible. She implored him to listen to her and try and understand where she was coming from, but he didn't want to hear it.

It didn't take long for the conversation to turn to Ryan. Darryl told her than he knew how she felt about Ryan, but that he hoped she would have grown out of it. She tried to explain that this had nothing to do with Ryan, but everything to do with her. Darryl didn't believe her and began listing off all the things she had done in Ryan's presence to make him jealous. The conversation was coming back to her clearly now.

"I know I did that, and I'm sorry! I've been trying really hard here to be a good girlfriend to you, Darryl. But I can't be who you want! I'm never going to be able to fully commit myself to this relationship."

"Because you're still in love with him?"

"Darryl, I got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons. I wish I hadn't done that, but I can't change it. I think you deserve someone better…someone who will give you all of themselves. I just…can't. And it's not fair. I care about you, and I want you to be with someone who can be everything for you."

"That's great, Kelly. But you never answered my question. Are you still in love with him?"

Kelly hadn't wanted to lie to him, so as hard as it was, she took a deep breath and told him the truth.

"Yes," she answered quietly, as tears started to roll down her face. Kelly expected Darryl to yell like he had for the last hour, but she was shocked by how calm he was.

"OK," he said and walked to the door. As he opened it, he turned around and looked at her one last time.

"I wish I was surprised. It's funny, but every time that little troll came around, I would get excited, because I knew it meant that I got more of you. Isn't that sad?" Then he slowly turned around and walked out the door.

Kelly had thought they were just having fun, nothing serious. But seeing how sad Darryl looked as he left her apartment practically ripped her heart out of her chest.

The more she thought about how she had hurt Darryl, the angrier she had become at Ryan. This had been so painful for her. Why hadn't Ryan had a hard time? He never seemed sad. For months he had shown no regret towards her. But here she was trying to get Darryl to not look at her like she was Satan's spawn. She tried to tell herself that if it weren't for Ryan she and Darryl would still be together, but she had to begrudgingly admit to herself that it wasn't true. She had never truly cared for Darryl the way she should have. Seeing how hurt he had been after her ending their brief relationship, she was glad she hadn't waited any longer.

Still, it was hard for her to see him in the parking lot every day and hear the venom in his voice as he whispered to the other warehouse guys about her. She was public enemy number one with that group, and it didn't feel good.

Ryan's constant contact wasn't helping her foul mood any, either. There was a seemingly endless barrage of e-mails from him, filled with cute things she would have sent him had they still been together. She knew Ryan was trying, but she couldn't help but feel it was all a little…cold. Anyone could spend five minutes online and find a bunch of crap to send. Maybe she had spent too much time watching Sandra Bullock movies and listening to the Backstreet Boys. She didn't want to think that her expectations should be unrealistic.

For months, she fantasized about Ryan showing up in the rain, declaring his love for her and sweeping her up in his arms. All the cheesy fantasies she had replayed in her mind and she couldn't help but feel under whelmed by Ryan's attempts at reconciliation.

She knew she still loved him, but she was paralyzed with fear that he would change his mind. She had worked hard to get to a good place in her life, and she was afraid that if she let him back in, she would just get her heart broken again.

* * *

Ryan nervously ran his hands through his hair as he entered the building. He hadn't seen Kelly since she walked out on him at dinner, and he was starting to wonder if this was a mistake.

"Oh, well," he thought to himself. "It's too late now!" The too short elevator ride had come to an end, and he slowly walked to the door and entered the office. Everything was normal, and Ryan found that oddly comforting. Jim and Pam were talking quietly at reception, Dwight was speaking with a client on the phone, Andy was playing air guitar. Ryan secretly liked that Scranton always seemed to stay the same. Sure, there were a few surprises here and there, but for the most part, he knew what to expect when he got there.

Ryan spent the better part of the morning in Michael's office, getting an hour's worth of work done in twice that amount of time. As soon as he thought his patience had run out, Michael suggested that they call a meeting in the conference room to brief everybody on the new things they had discussed. Ryan wasn't thrilled at the idea (he had wanted to see Kelly alone first), but Michael had already run out and shouted, "Conference room! Ten minutes!" to the rest of the workers.

As everyone filed in, Ryan busied himself on his Blackberry. Butterflies had taken permanent residence in his stomach, and he was afraid that if he saw her, he might throw up. But as he stood up to address the workers, he felt a tightening in his chest. He looked at her, and he felt a rush of emotions he couldn't explain. It was all he could do to not take her from the room and show her how he felt. She looked right at him, and for a moment, the room was silent as they stared at each other. His eyes full of longing and love, and hers full of pain and regret.

In that moment, Ryan realized that none of the things he thought were perfect were working at all. He knew in his heart that she still loved him, but he was afraid, looking at her just now that he would never get her back.

After the meeting ended, Kelly quietly slipped out of the room before Ryan could talk to her. When he finally managed to tear himself away from Michael, he asked Pam where Kelly was, and she told him Kelly had taken the rest of the day off.

Ryan sighed and returned to the conference room to gather his things. As he grabbed his bag to leave, he saw that Jim had entered the room.

"Hey, man," Jim said, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure. Did you have questions about what we talked about today? Because I know it's a little confusing, but I thi-"

"No, no, that's…not what I wanted to talk to you about. Can we sit?"

Jim looked really uncomfortable, and Ryan was curious as to what he wanted. He didn't feel like having a conversation with the guy, but he had to admit that he was intrigued.

"I just wanted to know…what are you doing with Kelly?"

"What are you talking about?" Ryan was shocked at Jim's question. The two had never been particularly close, and neither was too fond of the other.

"Well, I just noticed how sad she had been lately, and Pam filled me in a little bit on what's been going on. I mean, I expect her to be upset since she and Darryl broke up-"

"Wait, Kelly and Darryl broke up?" Ryan asked excitedly.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't get too excited yet. I think all these things you're doing…the gifts, the e-mails, the cards...they're not making her happy. I think they're just stressing her out."

Ryan almost snapped at Jim to mind his own business, but instead he sighed. Obviously he was doing something wrong, and he should take advantage of this situation. Who better to ask for advice than Jim, who had persevered and won the love of his life?

"I just don't know what to do," Ryan admitted. "I made a mistake. I was a massive jerk, and all I want to do is show her that I can be a different person. I'm doing the exact opposite of what I used to do. I've been showering her with all of the things she used to send to me, but none of it's working. I just don't know what she wants."

"So much of what you've done is, sorry, but pedestrian. Anyone can send an e-mail or pick out flowers or find a cute stuffed animal. You need to show her WHY she should be with you. Why your love is worth it. It needs to be from the heart, Ryan. All that other stuff…it doesn't mean anything. If you really want to prove to her that you love her, you have to do it in a way that _means _something."

"Yeah, but how?" Ryan asked miserably.

"Why don't you write her a letter? She seems like the type of girl that would love something like that."

A letter. Why hadn't he thought of that? He tried to tell her his feelings in person, but that hadn't worked. He had to admit that Jim was right…he wasn't being very original in his latest attempts to win her affection. Maybe it would be easier to put all of his feelings down on paper. He could bare his soul to her and hope it gets across.

Jim slowly rose from his chair, and gave a small smile to the man who sat across from him, lost in his thoughts. Jim cleared his throat, and Ryan looked up.

"Hey, thanks man. I know we're not…friends, but I really appreciate it."

"I just want Kelly to be happy," Jim replied. He couldn't resist, and as he reached the doorway, he turned around, "Look. Kelly's a good girl. She may be a little crazy, but I like her. It's not fun to see someone who's normally so vivacious and outgoing be so sad all of the time. If you really love her, and I mean really love her, I hope you get what you want. But if this is just some game to you, or some way of proving to yourself that you can have her if you want her…we're going to have problems. I may not be a very threatening guy, Ryan, but…just…don't hurt her, okay?"

"Believe me, Jim. If I get her back, there's no way in hell I'm letting her go again."

Jim nodded and turned around to walk out the door before Ryan called his name. "Jim! It's good to know that Kelly has people looking out for her here. I'm glad to see she's not alone."

Jim smiled and walked out of the room.

"Okay," Ryan thought to himself. "So far nothing has worked. Now I just need to move on to Step Three and hope _that_ doesn't fail miserably. I admitted I was wrong, I changed my behavior…now I need to show her…really show her how I feel."

* * *

As he sat down at his apartment later that night, Ryan realized that writing this letter was going to be harder than he thought. For someone who never really dealt with emotions, pouring his heart out to Kelly was difficult. He didn't understand how she could do it! She was always so free in expressing her feelings, and he had never been one to share. He just hoped that, when she read the letter, she would realize and appreciate that.

After a few minutes of staring at a blank sheet of paper, Ryan finally put the pen down and just started writing. Before he even knew what he was doing, he had filled the sheet front to back with words. He had never written something so heartfelt and angst-ridden before. He didn't re-read it, he didn't proof it and he barely looked at it. He was afraid that he would lose his nerve and rewrite it. He wanted her to see what he felt, warts and all. So he quickly folded the letter and put it in an envelope.

He soon realized that he would sit around all night staring at it, so he walked down to the corner and dropped it in a mailbox. As he closed the door to the box, he said a silent prayer that she would read the letter and change her mind.


	7. Chapter 7

**All right, I just want to thank everyone for baring with me as I have made my way through my first fic. It's been a long process, but I'm happy with the way this story is going. I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to update and the story has dragged a little, but I hope these last two chapters make up for it. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...but I do have seasons 1-4 on DVD.**

* * *

Kelly tiredly turned the key in her mailbox

Kelly tiredly turned the key in her mailbox. Bill…bill…magazine…bill. Nothing new there. As she leafed through the small stack, something fell out and hit the ground. As she bent to pick it up, she saw that it was a letter. Across the envelope in his chicken scratch handwriting were her name and address, and she felt her heart start to beat a little faster.

She practically ran to her apartment and set everything down on the kitchen table. For a few seconds she just stared at it. A couple of times she stepped toward the table to grab it, but she was hesitant. Kelly wasn't sure she wanted to see what was in the envelope. Finally curiosity got the better of her and she snatched the letter and ripped it open before she could stop herself.

* * *

Dear Kelly,

I have spent the last few weeks trying desperately to show you how I feel for you. I thought maybe you would be able to read between the lines and see what I was trying to say. I realize now how foolish that was.

I've never been good at sharing my feelings with anyone. That's why I was so floored when I met you. I had never met anyone so free to love. To give love, to show love…and you did it not because you wanted something, but because you just genuinely cared about me. It scared me to see you give so much of yourself to me when I knew I could never do that for you.

It took losing you for me to really wake up. I'm sorry for the way I broke up with you. It makes me cringe now to remember how horrible I was to you. To just throw away nearly two years together in such a callous and cowardly way. To act as if what we had never mattered, when we both knew that wasn't true.

What I didn't tell you when we went to dinner was how horrible that summer away from you was. It seemed like everywhere I went, you were there. I couldn't escape you. I don't mean that in a negative way, but it's like I felt you no matter where I was. Sometimes I would be walking down the street and I'd smell your perfume and I'd just whirl around like a mad man hoping to catch sight of you.

Other times I'd be sitting down to eat (alone) and I'd hear a woman giggle and I swear I could feel you behind me whispering in my ear. A couple of times I thought I might start crying right there in that bistro.

I never did, though. Not in public. But I would when I was alone. It's so hard for me to admit this, but I'd just turn out the lights and lie in that big empty bed and sob my eyes out. Sometimes I didn't even know why. I didn't know if I was crying for you, for me, for what could have been. I guess that was the hardest part…not knowing what we could have been and knowing it was all my fault.

I don't know when it all hit me, but I can tell you how I felt being without you. I never knew that a person could feel physical pain after losing someone. But I did, Kelly. Sometimes I felt like I was suffocating, other times my stomach would hurt…but mostly I just felt this horrible ache in my chest, trying to avoid what was bringing it on.

It took me a hell of a long time to admit it to myself, but I had to. And now I'm admitting it to you. I'm sorry I can't tell you this face to face, but I need you to know everything. I owe you that much and I hope you can read this and know I mean every word.

I love you, Kelly. This isn't a cheesy love or 90 minute love like in one of your movies. This is a true head over heels, unconditional, pain in my ass kind of love. I miss you more than I could ever explain in words, and all I want is to just be near you all the time. It hurts even more knowing that I had you right in my hands and I let you slip away.

I meant what I said to you at dinner that night. I feel like maybe we needed to go through this to get to where we are. I wish I could change the way I treated you, but I can't help but feel grateful that things are working out the way they are. We've grown into new people…not completely new people, I know, but I think we are two people who can be together. Really be together, no matter what crap life throws at us.

It's going to be messy, and it's going to be hard. But if you let me in, I swear I'll be there for you. I'll be the man you always wanted me to be. It's not going to be easy, and I know I'm going to mess up. But I love you so much that I will fight every step of the way if it means I get to be with you.

I love you. I love everything about you. I love the way your hair smells. I love the way you smile at me in the morning when you're waking up. I love the way you feel when I wrap you in my arms. I love it when your face lights up when I do something right. Hell, I even love all of the little shallow (no offense) things you do that always seemed to annoy me before.

Because all of these little things (and so much more) make up you. If I had to imagine my perfect woman, it wouldn't be you. I don't mean that in a bad way. What I mean is…I could never in my wildest dreams ever imagine someone like you. You are entirely unique, and even the most eloquent poet could never describe you or the love I feel for you.

I know this whole letter seems to be a complete departure from who I am, but I had to tell you. I had to get these thoughts that have been swirling around inside my head onto paper and into your heart.

I understand if you can never forgive me for how I treated you. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, even if we can't be together.

Overall, I just want you to be happy. If it's not with me, I can handle it. It might damn near kill me, but I can handle it. I can live without you, Kelly. I just don't want to try.

But if it is with me, I will work hard every day for the rest of my life to show you just how much I really love you.

There's so much more I could say, but I don't know that there's enough paper in the world to finish it up. So I'll leave you with this.

Despite everything…all the fights, the tears, the indifference…you are the only person in this world I could ever imagine being with. I haven't been the man you needed, but I will now. You changed me, Kelly. You made me a better person, and that's no easy feat. I just hope you can find it in your heart to give me the chance to show you just what you've done.

I love you,

Ryan.

* * *

By the time she finished the rambling and disjointed letter, tears were streaming down Kelly's face. Ryan had never been that open, honest or raw with her before. She realized that she didn't care the form it came in. She would have felt exactly the same way she did now if he had said all of this to her face. He had bared his soul to her, and she knew how momentous this was for him.

Kelly knew this is probably one of the hardest things Ryan has ever done, and that made it all the more poignant to her. In that moment she knew she could forgive him. It wasn't going to be a fairy tale. She was still hurt and angry, but she was never going to give up.

Kelly truly felt that Ryan was the person she was supposed to be with for the rest of her life. Denying that would be unfair and she knew she would just be miserable staying away from him. In spite of everything that had happened since that first date, Kelly knew she had to follow her heart, and her heart was leading her right to Ryan. Maybe it _was _finally starting to mend like everyone told her it would.

She walked over to the coat rack and bundled up. It was getting late, but she had to see him. She grabbed her purse and walked briskly to her car. In two short hours, she would be at his door.

**The next chapter will be the last in the looooong process of the story. Please let me know what you think!**


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